[A text I wrote for drama class (in English). As the assignment was to write a literary text about a video game, I penned a mock speech that could be given by some conservative, fundamentalist preacher in the Pokémon world. This is a parody, so no offense to anyone, except to people who are actually like that.]
I know that y’all have tried to live like proper citizens of this beautiful country. But what I’m going to tell you now, is an observation I made myself. Not just some tech whizzes in fancy lab coats, not just some damn red left-wing journalists, but I myself, an honest-to-goodness civilian came to a shocking discovery in my own community. And this concerns us all, people, this concerns the future of our nation! I know we’ve always tried to protect our children from rotten new media such as television and Face Book and Eye Pot and Nintendo Wee and Anna May and comic books and Quentin Tarantino and rap music and Blue Ray, but no -we are losing them to something we couldn’t have expected.
I saw some kid in my neighborhood capturing various kinds of creatures. And there were some other people at my church who saw the very same thing. And now you might just ask: what’s wrong with capturing animals - I mean, we all spend our childhoods going out fishing or catching bugs - But you should let me finish. This new playground hype that our children are so fond of nowadays is Satanism! I’m sorry, but that’s the only way to deal a grave matter such as this one: hard and direct. Just like Iraq. Just like Vietnam.
I ask you… where are our children still safe if even the education of this great nation can’t protect them from this devilish takeover? I know things about these creatures the reverend at my church told me. They are demons; demons that are called upon and controlled using pagan, magical talismans and posses various demonic, otherworldly powers. And as a honest-to-goodness Christian, I can’t help but to conclude that these powers were given upon them by… Satan! And worst of all… apparently, these demons seem to posses the ability to evolve. Haven’t we got enough proof that evolution is something invented by sinful heretics! There is only one explanation for this: since these demons are not subjected to God’s will, it is Satan who is responsible for this phenomenon. There’s a word for that: the Apocalypse!
As predicted by the holy evangelist John, the demons have started to invade this earth, and they try on doing so by corrupting the minds of our children. And I know who’s responsible for this. It is the Japanese. That’s right. Because; apparently two bombs weren’t enough. The Japs have made a deal with the devil to conquer this beautiful country. And I can’t just let that happen, because I really love my country. I am sorry, but if it’s necessary we will use all our bombs to bomb Japan and tell ’m to leave our children alone.
Still, there are a certain group of individuals, who like to call themselves ‘scientists’, who like to call themselves ‘experts’ that somehow approve of this perverted phenomenon and claim that these creatures are harmless and can be good partners and friends (!) for the children. And I am not one of them wise guys, I know-I did not ‘earn the right’ to study at one of them ‘universities’, just to gain the right to publicize whatever bullshit I want in some quality newspaper, but if there’s one thing my father – God have his soul- taught me, then it’s that the devil’s ways might be tempting, they are never good. Keeping these demons in your home should be considered, and just like homosexuality and socialism and murder it should be punished no matter what the circumstances are, except if it concerns Mexicans trying to steal shit from your ranch!